A Single Branch

I do not know what it is I need that is missing. This point seems rather obvious in some ways, because if I did know, I would have rectified whatever was lacking long ago. As is, I just feel lost and alone and empty. What is it? If I was home I know what I would do to fill the void. In some ways I feel like I can describe what is lacking, but not why its lacking here. I don’t feel like I am learning anything or growing or evolving in any direction. At home, on any particular weekend, I might be playing frisbee at the highest competitive level that would let me play. Or I would be out pushing my body & mind in a completely different direction rock climbing, either in a gym, or more preferable out in some distant wilderness with close friends. After a long days work I would be able to look forward to a loosely planned engagement to meet at a bar. Or would be living and existing close enough to know that such plans would be formed, even if it ended up being simply sitting out on the back staircase to my apartment building with my roommate, two good beers, and a discussion of life. There would be a plethora of people around who both cared & knew a little bit about current events and would love to exchange views and opinions about the current Dutch cartoons fiasco or Iran’s brinkmanship. Any given evening a friend might come by on a down night looking for someone to talk to or to cheer them up. Any given night I would have three or four people around whom I could look up if such a need would arise for myself.

Its not that there aren’t people around with whom I could interact. It’s the form of that interaction that seems to be off. I know for a fact I could go down and join the videoke, whose sound comes wafting up my hill, but I have no strong desire to join in the drinking to obliteration that goes with such an activity. This morning I could have joined a church service, but two and half hours of conservative religion of which I cannot understand nor with which I would agree with if I could is not a pleasant experience. I can go in to work and sit at my desk and watch everyone else appear to do nothing 75% of the time they are at the office, which is a hit or miss in of itself.

I do not see the drive & ambition… excitement, to improve ones surroundings and ones self in anyone. Something that has always been so fundamental to my own definition of self and way of life.

I miss the Habitat board meetings. We were very far from perfect in getting things done, even the good ideas we thought of and tried to pursue in the midst of our crazy busy lives, but there was such energy in that room. Everyone was there because they wanted to be. They wanted to get something done and make a difference. I feel like my ubiquitous question of why do you get up in the morning would be anathema here. It would be like speaking a foreign language. Does not compute. People get up because that is what they did yesterday. Like much of the States. Like much of the world. People get up and go to work to provide for their families and make it through until tomorrow. Or to morn those who did not. Or to celebrate the union of two souls or another gracing our tiny town. I’m used to that in people. I’m just also used to having other people around who feel as I do and with whom I can work with. People from whom I can draw energy and exponentially increase my own. I enjoy reading the Economist and playing guitar and running and learning the Arabic alphabet and reading Dickens and about development theory and studying for the GREs (well, maybe not quite as much that) but all of those things done in a vacuum are of little worth. I want to be able to talk to others about them. To laugh and joke or stay up all night in an intense discussion about Life, the Universe & Everything (by Douglas Adams, or otherwise). A single stick burning alone provides no one light. Is there simply no fire here? Does it take a different form? Or am I not finding it? More importantly how do I decide? How do I go about answering those questions? When is it time to pack up my charred branch and go find more heat?

I admit I did have one over arching expectation upon joining the Peace Corps. I expect to find people who cared. Both about improving their communities and working with the Volunteer they requested. I have not found that here.