Lost In My Dreams
Ani Difranco – Parameters
New as you are, really, to the idea that
even after you’ve long since gotten used to the parameters
they can all change
while your out one night having a drink with a friend
some big hand may be turning a big dial
switching channels on your dreams
until you find yourself lost in them
and watching your daily life with the sound off
And of course having cautiously turned down the flame
under your eyes
there are more shadows around everything
your vision a dim a flashlight
that you have to shake all the way to the outhouse….
It seems that no matter where I am in life Ani Difranco or John Popper always have the words to add color and spark thoughts or simply remind me that I’m not alone nor the first to be in such straits within their skull. This one goes on for awhile, so you might want to find some time and a comfortable chair before wandering in.
What is it that makes us lose our way in our dreams? I’ve ruled out the idea of the wrong choice because I still want to be here and I still think it was a good decision; yet I’ve also lost the way. After this long I still do not move through this existence with any kind of confidence, preferring to stick to the shadows and observe, occasionally shaking the flashlight to get a better glimpse at a particular corner or event. When did the clearly blazed trail fade into nothing more than a deer run into nothing more than thick forest and underbrush all around? Everything was so clear at one point in time. Hindsight is always 20.20 and I guess gazing into the crystal ball always brings clarity of purpose and certain vague notions of how it will all be; easily mistaken in the excitement of change for the full reality. Yet peering into a smoked filled ball never quite captures the essence of a place or time or the feelings & complications of actually existing in it.
Yet into those future places and times we always go and in the past somehow I’ve managed to work them out and my place in them to a semblance of a coherent whole. If one particular path fades out or runs into a bramble patch there was always another route to pick up and run on. That’s part of the blessing & curse of here. There are less paths to choose from, the forest is more remote. If I cannot find a sense of self & accomplishment through my work I really don’t have any where else to turn. Plenty of filler about, but there is only so much reading and thinking a person can do before they begin to wonder why they chose the other side of the world to do it on.
I came here to do development work. I came here to assist in whatever small ways I could people who had some idea of where they wanted to go and where trying to get there. I haven’t found that here. Maybe I was busy shaking the flashlight when I went by it. Wouldn’t it just be easier to simply turn up the flames within?
Yet the fire threatens to blaze its own trail which has its own dangers as well. People are drawn to the flame, even more if its white and is expected to produce money. I’m still battling against the stereo-type that I’m here to set up my project and to show them my way of doing things. One of the people I work with continues to mention that I should find a project that the people can remember me by; the proverbial statue and name plaque. And that fits perfectly with the example they’ve had from before. I live up a fish hatchery originally designed and built by a Peace Corps Volunteer back in the 60’s meant to raise fingerlings (baby fish) to be distributed to farmers as a livelihood. Now its just a series of glorified fish ponds that exist as a perk to those who have access to them. There is a library from the last PCV without a librarian so it remains locked all the time. A water pump that’s broken and who knows what other projects done by the six previous volunteers. And its not just Peace Corps. A computer program to collect and organize water data that was all lost when the computer crashed and nobody bothered to set up again or use after the group left. A stack of manuals on facilitating participatory meetings and such. Mayoyao is a development graveyard. I don’t feel like setting up another headstone as a remembrance of my time here even if it does have my name engraved on it.
Yet anything I suggest is rubber stamped and gone with. I can understand that stance in many ways too. The development culture almost forces it upon them as groups go around looking for places to set up projects. If you don’t answer the questions right to show the need and desire to work on the project so the particular organization can check off the “participatory” part of their project they will take their development dollars elsewhere. That’s a rather cynical way of looking at it, but it gets the point across. I’m sure it also partly stems from the collectivist culture and not wanting to tell people no. I feel confident that I could do just about anything and get enough support to receive the grant and see the project through. Whether or not it was something the people wanted or needed or will use again is entirely another matter.
Thankfully the development world, or at least the Peace Corps, knows this and is adapting. The current buzz words are all about sustainability & community assets. I want to work in the way of the Tao Te Ching; from the shadows quietly steering the people to their own ideas and their own successes. I would be happiest leaving here and being remembered as a friendly person who was fun to work with, but what did he actually do again? The question is how to bring that about I guess. I definitely need to find a different way to engage. For now, as the quote at the top currently goes, I just need to keep hanging on and hopefully more and more complications will fall away and a simple clear whole will emerge. That’s the plan anyway.
New as you are, really, to the idea that
even after you’ve long since gotten used to the parameters
they can all change
while your out one night having a drink with a friend
some big hand may be turning a big dial
switching channels on your dreams
until you find yourself lost in them
and watching your daily life with the sound off
And of course having cautiously turned down the flame
under your eyes
there are more shadows around everything
your vision a dim a flashlight
that you have to shake all the way to the outhouse….
It seems that no matter where I am in life Ani Difranco or John Popper always have the words to add color and spark thoughts or simply remind me that I’m not alone nor the first to be in such straits within their skull. This one goes on for awhile, so you might want to find some time and a comfortable chair before wandering in.
What is it that makes us lose our way in our dreams? I’ve ruled out the idea of the wrong choice because I still want to be here and I still think it was a good decision; yet I’ve also lost the way. After this long I still do not move through this existence with any kind of confidence, preferring to stick to the shadows and observe, occasionally shaking the flashlight to get a better glimpse at a particular corner or event. When did the clearly blazed trail fade into nothing more than a deer run into nothing more than thick forest and underbrush all around? Everything was so clear at one point in time. Hindsight is always 20.20 and I guess gazing into the crystal ball always brings clarity of purpose and certain vague notions of how it will all be; easily mistaken in the excitement of change for the full reality. Yet peering into a smoked filled ball never quite captures the essence of a place or time or the feelings & complications of actually existing in it.
Yet into those future places and times we always go and in the past somehow I’ve managed to work them out and my place in them to a semblance of a coherent whole. If one particular path fades out or runs into a bramble patch there was always another route to pick up and run on. That’s part of the blessing & curse of here. There are less paths to choose from, the forest is more remote. If I cannot find a sense of self & accomplishment through my work I really don’t have any where else to turn. Plenty of filler about, but there is only so much reading and thinking a person can do before they begin to wonder why they chose the other side of the world to do it on.
I came here to do development work. I came here to assist in whatever small ways I could people who had some idea of where they wanted to go and where trying to get there. I haven’t found that here. Maybe I was busy shaking the flashlight when I went by it. Wouldn’t it just be easier to simply turn up the flames within?
Yet the fire threatens to blaze its own trail which has its own dangers as well. People are drawn to the flame, even more if its white and is expected to produce money. I’m still battling against the stereo-type that I’m here to set up my project and to show them my way of doing things. One of the people I work with continues to mention that I should find a project that the people can remember me by; the proverbial statue and name plaque. And that fits perfectly with the example they’ve had from before. I live up a fish hatchery originally designed and built by a Peace Corps Volunteer back in the 60’s meant to raise fingerlings (baby fish) to be distributed to farmers as a livelihood. Now its just a series of glorified fish ponds that exist as a perk to those who have access to them. There is a library from the last PCV without a librarian so it remains locked all the time. A water pump that’s broken and who knows what other projects done by the six previous volunteers. And its not just Peace Corps. A computer program to collect and organize water data that was all lost when the computer crashed and nobody bothered to set up again or use after the group left. A stack of manuals on facilitating participatory meetings and such. Mayoyao is a development graveyard. I don’t feel like setting up another headstone as a remembrance of my time here even if it does have my name engraved on it.
Yet anything I suggest is rubber stamped and gone with. I can understand that stance in many ways too. The development culture almost forces it upon them as groups go around looking for places to set up projects. If you don’t answer the questions right to show the need and desire to work on the project so the particular organization can check off the “participatory” part of their project they will take their development dollars elsewhere. That’s a rather cynical way of looking at it, but it gets the point across. I’m sure it also partly stems from the collectivist culture and not wanting to tell people no. I feel confident that I could do just about anything and get enough support to receive the grant and see the project through. Whether or not it was something the people wanted or needed or will use again is entirely another matter.
Thankfully the development world, or at least the Peace Corps, knows this and is adapting. The current buzz words are all about sustainability & community assets. I want to work in the way of the Tao Te Ching; from the shadows quietly steering the people to their own ideas and their own successes. I would be happiest leaving here and being remembered as a friendly person who was fun to work with, but what did he actually do again? The question is how to bring that about I guess. I definitely need to find a different way to engage. For now, as the quote at the top currently goes, I just need to keep hanging on and hopefully more and more complications will fall away and a simple clear whole will emerge. That’s the plan anyway.
posted by george at 11:00 PM
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