Existential Diving in Erratic Directions
Where exactly is it that I’m trying to get to all the time? Its definitely not a cohesive coherent picture of a destination, but I like to think the various quarter formed pictures of future realities all pointing in the same general direction. At least I hope so. Sometimes its hard to imagine how its all going to work out. I mean, in some ways, its easy; various paths & options will slowly drop away. Time keeps moving, the inevitable leveling ground of all ambitions. But I’d rather those narrowings of scope be by choice & not neglect or simply being overwhelmed by it all and go for a practical, immediately on hand experience.
For example, where does the really fascinating world of diving fit into the reality of a mountain bound PCV? Knowledge & skills are always tempting & so, I admit, looking at the flow chart of dive trainings and certifications rouses a certain desire to reach expert levels, or at least go farther. So many amazing worlds, realities, exist on this planet. One cannot possible partake of all of them. The debate between a Jack of all trades, master of none and Mark Twight’s satirical diatribe:
“Live with commitment. With emotional content. Live whatever life you choose honestly. Give up this renaissance man, dilettante bullshit of doing a lot of things (and none of them very well by real standards). Get to the guts of one thing; accept, without casuistry, the responsibility of making a choice. When you live honestly, you can not separate your mind from your body, or your thoughts from your actions.”
Kiss or Kill: Confessions of a Serial Climber, p. 150
I guess I’m more just trying to build some middle ground. Or maybe not. Upon actually going and finding that quote in full maybe I’m just looking for an acceptable definition of that one thing. Combine Kiss or Kill with In the Shadow of ‘Just War’ and there is a glimmer of a future. A return to a place where I no longer think but act and fire out of bed every morning conquering the world with my first inhalation of breathe.
Ahhh… many thanks to the Frenchman who just actualized my current desire to chain smoke with my bottle of “cheap” Chilean wine & exploding thoughts from an over-isolated brain. Back to the question at hand – more pointedly,
What’s the drive?
Always onward!
To where?
The continuous balancing act of looking forward and striving for… something, a better humanness I guess, whatever that is… & enjoy the present for all its grandness & wonders (for the present is always grand & wondrous if you look in the right places with the right mindset).
Maybe that’s the question. What is the something? I love knowledge, especially exploring & learning how to operate in different realities. “Broadening horizons” learning how to relate with different people on their home turf, their terrain, their language & comfort levels. (their language… part of why this is such a challenging job. Not part, the reason for me. I’ve never faced such a conclusive language barrier.) I even smoke my infrequent cigarettes fast & deep. That’s the way I like to take part in life. Even that occasional vice comes from trying to understand another concept. Originally started because of a role from Acting Theory/ Performance I of a smoker and my inability to handle a cigarette during the scenes (its just not convincing with you drop the cigarette out the window while trying to ash) and a the desire to have a degree of comfort with it. Just another world/people/culture, another skill. But why? What’s the point? Where does it all lead? End? Does it matter?
And once again the vacillating points of view comes into clarity as with one breathe I want to dive to the depths of one thing and live it deeply and intensely, and in the next I want to skim the surface of everything and peer inside. I want to be able to flit between realities and be comfortable in all of them. More than anything I think I want to make sure I’m not missing that place where I will truly call my own. That is the search. That is what drives me on. To get back to that place where I know the rules and can improvise on a dime and am acting instead of thinking. Living instead of sitting in an office thinking about development or typing rants about life in front of a computer. At the same time I want to be in the place now and I realize that there is a road to be traveled to get there. I have yet to find where it starts.
And my current frustrations with diving are such a clear example of the games my mind plays. Its hard to do more than scratch the surface of diving when you’re with a group that has a difficult time mastering the simple combination of movements involved in clearing a mask. It’s a tough spot because while I don’t fault them & respect anyone willing to try, I also want to move faster “dive deeper” & I have to battle with the annoyance of moving at a pace much slower than I am capable of. That’s the 1st obstacle to harmonizing my current reality with desires for the further & progress & learning more than the basics shown to all wannabe-diver tourists dabbling their feet in the water. I want to get to some understanding of the essence of a reality. A place where I can glimpse the depths & make semi-informed decisions of how far into that reality I want to go. I want to challenge my body and mind & stretch in new directions. Even if I don’t take the plunge off the wall into the blue I want to find a natural mental state that meets such challenges as the present & quickly ditches the annoyance & continues to create something satisfying out of the present even if its not the ideal or expected. You have to live to learn I suppose & now… to a much needed phone call…
Originally written 09.19.05 Panglao, Bohol
edited with the Mark Twight quote and hopefully adding a degree of coherence in the midst of another degree of confusion 10.12.05
For example, where does the really fascinating world of diving fit into the reality of a mountain bound PCV? Knowledge & skills are always tempting & so, I admit, looking at the flow chart of dive trainings and certifications rouses a certain desire to reach expert levels, or at least go farther. So many amazing worlds, realities, exist on this planet. One cannot possible partake of all of them. The debate between a Jack of all trades, master of none and Mark Twight’s satirical diatribe:
“Live with commitment. With emotional content. Live whatever life you choose honestly. Give up this renaissance man, dilettante bullshit of doing a lot of things (and none of them very well by real standards). Get to the guts of one thing; accept, without casuistry, the responsibility of making a choice. When you live honestly, you can not separate your mind from your body, or your thoughts from your actions.”
Kiss or Kill: Confessions of a Serial Climber, p. 150
I guess I’m more just trying to build some middle ground. Or maybe not. Upon actually going and finding that quote in full maybe I’m just looking for an acceptable definition of that one thing. Combine Kiss or Kill with In the Shadow of ‘Just War’ and there is a glimmer of a future. A return to a place where I no longer think but act and fire out of bed every morning conquering the world with my first inhalation of breathe.
Ahhh… many thanks to the Frenchman who just actualized my current desire to chain smoke with my bottle of “cheap” Chilean wine & exploding thoughts from an over-isolated brain. Back to the question at hand – more pointedly,
What’s the drive?
Always onward!
To where?
The continuous balancing act of looking forward and striving for… something, a better humanness I guess, whatever that is… & enjoy the present for all its grandness & wonders (for the present is always grand & wondrous if you look in the right places with the right mindset).
Maybe that’s the question. What is the something? I love knowledge, especially exploring & learning how to operate in different realities. “Broadening horizons” learning how to relate with different people on their home turf, their terrain, their language & comfort levels. (their language… part of why this is such a challenging job. Not part, the reason for me. I’ve never faced such a conclusive language barrier.) I even smoke my infrequent cigarettes fast & deep. That’s the way I like to take part in life. Even that occasional vice comes from trying to understand another concept. Originally started because of a role from Acting Theory/ Performance I of a smoker and my inability to handle a cigarette during the scenes (its just not convincing with you drop the cigarette out the window while trying to ash) and a the desire to have a degree of comfort with it. Just another world/people/culture, another skill. But why? What’s the point? Where does it all lead? End? Does it matter?
And once again the vacillating points of view comes into clarity as with one breathe I want to dive to the depths of one thing and live it deeply and intensely, and in the next I want to skim the surface of everything and peer inside. I want to be able to flit between realities and be comfortable in all of them. More than anything I think I want to make sure I’m not missing that place where I will truly call my own. That is the search. That is what drives me on. To get back to that place where I know the rules and can improvise on a dime and am acting instead of thinking. Living instead of sitting in an office thinking about development or typing rants about life in front of a computer. At the same time I want to be in the place now and I realize that there is a road to be traveled to get there. I have yet to find where it starts.
And my current frustrations with diving are such a clear example of the games my mind plays. Its hard to do more than scratch the surface of diving when you’re with a group that has a difficult time mastering the simple combination of movements involved in clearing a mask. It’s a tough spot because while I don’t fault them & respect anyone willing to try, I also want to move faster “dive deeper” & I have to battle with the annoyance of moving at a pace much slower than I am capable of. That’s the 1st obstacle to harmonizing my current reality with desires for the further & progress & learning more than the basics shown to all wannabe-diver tourists dabbling their feet in the water. I want to get to some understanding of the essence of a reality. A place where I can glimpse the depths & make semi-informed decisions of how far into that reality I want to go. I want to challenge my body and mind & stretch in new directions. Even if I don’t take the plunge off the wall into the blue I want to find a natural mental state that meets such challenges as the present & quickly ditches the annoyance & continues to create something satisfying out of the present even if its not the ideal or expected. You have to live to learn I suppose & now… to a much needed phone call…
Originally written 09.19.05 Panglao, Bohol
edited with the Mark Twight quote and hopefully adding a degree of coherence in the midst of another degree of confusion 10.12.05
posted by george at 7:00 AM
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